gen_derfluid | duplicity inbox

Val?
I'm not going to be back for awhile longer, sorry.
Don't worry or anything.

Darling you saying that with absolutely no other context does not make me not inclined to worry.

It's going to be fine
Scott just failed quota and needed help
And now I'm stuck doing a really weird favor.
Please distract me.

How weird is really weird?
And how do you want to be distracted, hm?

Well I did help but with it increased to six
I'm only human
So now I'm sitting here half watching Logan fuck him so they don't also get citations.
It's extremely awkward.

...effectively?
Not sexily.

[ ...look he swears he doesn't want to laugh but sometimes it really does feel like only Kazu can get himself into these situations. ]

I don't think I even have adequate words.
Only you, darling. Only you.
Of all the people to get stuck watching fuck someone...

Oh well that rules out most of my go-tos.

[ He gotta tease just a bit. ]

Yes I know.
Believe me, I know.
It's okay, you can laugh.
He's ridiculously hairy.

...Val please.

I do have a question for you.

I promise you I tried not to but, darling...
Unfortunately your every interaction with Logan is simply too ridiculous not to.

You know I'm only teasing.
What is it?

Two questions, actually.

1) Do you want to try helping Aki at the Scratch tonight?
No pressure, no show to stay for, none of us will drink.
Just keeping him company and making sure no fights break out or anything.
I know you miss going out but don't feel ready for it.
This seemed like a smaller step?

2) What would you call our relationship?
With him.
Not you and me.
Obviously.

Mm, I was going to say, if you were asking about us I'd be concerned you'd taken a knock to the head.

[ Which he sends first before he considers the other answers. ]

I think I would like to try, yes.
I can't make promises about how well I will handle it, of course, but it's worth seeing.

What I would call what we have with Akihiro... is more complicated, but I think you know that much if you're asking this suddenly.

No promises necessary, we can go whenever you want.
I just thought it might be less stressful on a night he wasn't performing.

...he asked me, also suddenly.
I'm not sure why.
And I honestly don't know if I have a word for it.
He was concerned about expectations he can't fulfill?
Whatever that means.
It made me worry that if I'd given it a label at all we might have completely misunderstood each other.
Then I couldn't tell if he was trying to drop it because he thought I was getting stressed or because it made him uncomfortable even though I said I didn't think we had any.
But if he's willing to, I feel like we should at least talk about that part of it.
So I figured I'd ask if you had a label.
Your vocabulary for things like this is more extensive than mine.

You're right, it's a good idea. I'm certainly hoping I can handle that much by now.

[ You know, like it hasn't been less than two months... ]

I think it is hard to put a label to, precisely because I think most labels would communicate expectations whether they were intended or not.
Some of those being entirely based on individual perceptions of the label.
I can only speak from the perspective I used to hold, but I imagine what concerns him is the idea of an expectation of...
A certain type or level of commitment. The voicing of feelings left unsaid. Expectations for him to be more than he is.
None of which we expect, yes, but from the other side you can't be sure of that.
I would certainly get skittish if someone applied a label we hadn't discussed, but I would also get skittish when people discussed the future or looked at me a little too softly so I am not necessarily a good metric even for this.
Akihiro's lines are no doubt different than mine ever were, especially as I was expecting to die before I turned 25 anyway.

Edited (typo!!) 2022-08-30 01:27 (UTC)

I want to remind you to be patient with yourself, but also say that I wouldn't have asked if didn't think you could.
Either way I will be proud of you.

That was my concern, yes.
We aren't asking for a commitment, and I'm sure anything we'd voice he already knows.
Not that smelling emotions is any less weird six months later.
Anyway calling them "expectations" seems like really overstating it but I know I don't want anything that he hasn't freely given us.
I never "expect" him to come over, or give me advice, or spend the night.
Those are things he does because wants to, aren't they?
Earlier in today's conversation he said again I can always call him, and he keeps telling you that you're never bothering him either.
He's more than a friend we're sleeping with to you too, right?

...though I guess it is a little worrying to realize that.
Even he called it a relationship and I'm not sure what he's getting out of my side of things.

I know you will, love, and I will keep trying to be patient with myself. Don't worry.

I would certainly like to think he wouldn't do them as often as he did if he didn't want to do them, yes.
Especially since when he really can't handle things with us, it tends to show.
We've made it clear he can give himself space whenever he needs it.
I imagine all he wants to be sure of is that we don't expect more than what he gives.
And, as you say, we don't.
But yes, there really is no neat label but he is more than that.

Kazu, love. What do you think he should be getting out of your side?

[ He could dive directly back into his usual assurances about why people like having him around, but no, different angle here. ]

I can feel your tone through text and don't mean it like how you think I do this time.
Making friends who haven't mindshared with me has proven that I'm not the complete nightmare I thought it was.
You aren't completely biased.
I still believe I'm very lucky, but I understand what you see better now and know I can be good for people who aren't you.
But if he's more than a friend I have the same worry about things being unbalanced that I did with you at the beginning.
Where I'm always leaning on him and not the other way around.

It was a fair assumption, given prior discussions, but good. I'm glad to see you say so.

But I still think you are seeing a problem that isn't there, love.
At least not in a way that you could even fix on your side.
Akihiro has his struggles, we both know this by now, and we also both know that it isn't for lack of you trying to let him lean you on that he isn't.
Yet that time when you overstepped without meaning to, he came to us when he was ready again. Even if he didn't talk about it much.
And he still comes by. He is getting something from our company and care for him, Kazu.
It's just not the kind of something that is as tangible as a conversation or outright comfort.

You know, I don't want you to feel like you did last month ever again, but I do miss kind of being the one who was right about things.
Sometimes, anyway.
It was a refreshing change to hear "of course you're right, darling" but also a lot of responsibility.
So I guess you can have your job back.
And maybe I will try to cover now and then if you'd like a day off?

...jokes aside, I do think you're right.
I don't have to know specifically what that something is for it to exist, so long as he enjoys being with us.
That's all I want out of whatever this relationship is.
Apparently being less terrified of my mistakes driving people I care about away is going to be a one at a time kind of goal?
Obviously you were first.
But it feels like we need a betting pool now.
If you guess who will be second I'll come up with some sort of prize.

I love you, Val.

Well I certainly couldn't bet in that pool, I have insider information.
But you'll get there, love.
That you're not doubting why he likes you at all is already a far cry from where we were when we got here.
It sounds like you even handled him asking the question as well as is possible at this point, too.
Progress is rarely as fast as you may like it to be, but it's still progress.

And you can cover for me when I'm being illogical again, don't worry.
I love you too.

It was over text, so although I suspect he knew I was panicking anyway
Yes, I managed.
Though Logan shouted at me for harshing his boner which
Doesn't even seem like a possible thing that just happened
But this is reality today.
At least he didn't know I was talking to his son.

[ ........sorry Kazu he's cracking up again and I'm sure you know it. ]

Oh, darling, you really are having a day, aren't you.
Just try to survive without making him need to do so a second time.

It's not the WORST day
But it may well be the WEIRDEST day since we've been here
In terms of how many things that I didn't expect to ever happen are now happening within hours of one another.
At this point I'm just glad that I wasn't still completely naked when Logan showed up.
He looked at me, Val.
Like was looking.
Sir please I am very involved with your son.
I know they're not actually uncomfortable with that like Scott and Nate but NO?!

[ Val is now getting very weird looks from Trixx for how much he's laughing. The more !!! Kazu is the funnier it gets, as is the unfortunate constant for Kazu's poor, extremely reactive self. ]

How do you end up in these situations.
I think the universe may just find how you react as amusing as everyone else.
Clearly it wouldn't get enough entertainment value out of anyone else.

You're probably right, both because you're always right and because I wouldn't be surprised.
And I don't care about the universe's entertainment but I'm glad you're amused.
That was not sarcastic.
The unfortunate thing is I can't hear your laugh right now.

This is making another day at home much less boring.
But if your day keeps going like this I'm sure I'll have reason to laugh where you can hear me later.

duplicity inbox

text; scott failed quota and everyone else also suffers for it but val likely thinks it's hilarious

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