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[A couple of days after Kazu let him know Val wasn't feeling well, Barry drops off a homemade lasagna at the doorstep. There's a recipe card with it that says Great-Grandma West's Famous Lasagna. It might be inferred that everything this woman ever made is "famous," but it's still pretty good stuff.

There is also a batch of homemade brownies with a similar card written up. In addition to all this, there's a little note that simply says:

I hope you feel better soon. :) - Barry]

[ When there's a little knock at their door, Kazu isn't expecting anyone. Not even Barry, who already dropped off some groceries the day before. He doesn't rush over to answer or anything, but there aren't any follow up knocks and when he gets there he realizes it wouldn't have mattered. Barry probably zipped away faster than he could blink.

It's all brought inside, and with how Val's struggling to keep even "safe" meals down he might as well offer a tempting dinner. The plate that he brings in smells fantastic, but he holds out Barry's note to his partner first. ]

Barry is taking liberties, it seems. Sit up?

Must I?

[ He's saying it even as he actually groans and sits himself up, because clearly his displeasure at the concept of having to do so at all has to be shared even as he's adequately tempted into it. The food does smell good, even without it being offered outright, and even with any food smell at all being a little test of fate. The note gets a furrowed brow, though, somewhere between curious and confused. ]

He's pulling a you, is what he's doing.

[ He takes the note, mostly intending to just skim it and then set it aside. That... is not exactly what happens. It's such a simple little message, and yet somewhere beneath the general grumpiness that's become a feature of this whole affair, it must hit some button that Val wasn't prepared to have hit because suddenly— his eyes are wet? He actively tries to blink it back, half out of confusion and half out of that instinct to not burst into tears, but that doesn't work so well either and there he is. He's crying.

His brain isn't even working fast enough to explain to himself why right away. He's almost as much confused as he is suddenly overwhelmed with... something he might be able to define if he could think. ]

Hm, I suppose he is. Well, it smells delicious and I'm not about to be a hypocrite.

[ Val takes the note and Kazu sets the plates balanced on his other forearm and hand down on the nightstand, noting that the water glass is still full but maybe he should grab Val a ginger ale? Since this is a bit heavier meal than he's attempted so far. ]

Do you--

[ The question cuts when Kazu hears a ragged breath and immediately glances back to Val to find that he's crying, Barry's note clutched in both hands.

Only three days ago this would have been alarming, but at this point? Kazu's actually begun to anticipate the wild mood swings. This one kind of slipped past him, but it's not surprising. He mentally pivots from the task of getting Val fed to comforting him, settling on the edge of the bed and opening his arms without question. ]

Edited 2022-07-19 16:05 (UTC)

[ Val draws in another breath and shuffles closer to accept the offered comfort, wrapping his arms around Kazu and half-burying, half-wiping his face on his shoulder. The note's still clutched in one hand behind Kazu's back. ]

Why— [ he's almost laughing through the tears, though it chokes off with another sharp breath after a moment ] why am I crying over— over the most basic well-wishes, of all things, I don't... this— this is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

[ Surely that's a hypothetical question, because Kazu can't answer it. Not logically or medically, though he knows there's a scientific explanation for all of this -- something something brain chemicals. In any case Val was the one who warned him to expect the weird moods. There probably isn't much point trying to make sense of them, and at least they tend to be fleeting. A few tears or a brief tantrum and Val tires himself back out.

Kazu rubs his back soothingly, shrugging the shoulder that isn't being used as a tissue. ]

You're alright, sweetheart. It'll pass, don't think this gets you out of attempting dinner.

[ Val headbutts his shoulder gently, ] Are you trying to make me cry more, hm?

[ At least he knows why Kazu breaking out 'sweetheart' makes him emotional, he can trace the logic behind that without feeling like his head is full of stuffing. Unlike his attempts to pinpoint why the note got him this badly—he doesn't feel... upset? Exactly? It is actually closer to the feeling the endearment gives him, but not one-for-one at all.

He sniffs, squeezing Kazu tight and trying to scrunch his eyes against the tears. ]

I-I am not going to try and get out of eating but I will make no promises.

[ Whoops? ]

No-- though I hope that response doesn't outlast this, I think it's starting to grow on me.

[ He doesn't see it becoming part of his daily vocabulary or anything, but since it first slipped out it's beginning to feel... instinctive? Honestly, Kazu's a little too wrung out to pick it apart right now. Besides being tired sleep-wise it's taking a lot of emotional energy to keep steady for Val's sake.

This bout of crying is completely harmless on his end, at least. It's easy to keep his tone light and gentle. When Val's snapping at him or crying over things that are actually upsetting... yeah, Kazu is much more at ease handling a little illogically emotional response. ]

Just try. Eventually something has to stay down.

I would hope not, I-I certainly don't want to ruin every time you say it by bursting into tears.

[ It's inconvenient enough when he has an excuse. He misses having a proper handle on his own emotions, not being able to predict or even really define his own emotional state at any one moment is strange and tiring, and his worse turns are annoying even him—but at least knowing that sometimes means he can undercut it all, some. It will pass. They just have a few more long days ahead.

He scrunches his face up, turning his head so he's not burying it in Kazu's shoulder, now, just leaning against him. ]

You say that, but so far all evidence suggests otherwise. I threw up less than this when I was drinking heavily. Ugh.

[ It's true that they're not through the worst of it, but Kazu's still hoping that improvement in some symptom comes sooner rather than later. He's already decided that if Val's still struggling to stay hydrated tomorrow, he's calling Kyle for an iv. That won't go over well, he knows.

Either way he's not about to say as much unless it's necessary -- he just keeps Val cradled against his chest and tries to sound encouraging. ]

All the more reason to only do this once.

[ Because not seeing it through isn't going to be an option. Kazu isn't going to let him bail on detox... honestly, he doubts Val's resolve will weaken to that point, but he's prepared to be the bad guy. ]

[ Val scrunches his face up more. No, not seeing this through isn't an option, even if he still can't help but grumble, ] Doing it at all barely feels worth feeling this disgusting.

[ But it is, he knows it is, he's just complaining for the sake of complaining, for the sake of letting out some of the agitation of being so helpless, feeling so out of touch with his own body. It's hard not to hit that stage of 'this was why life was better when I was hardly ever truly sober', but it's the fact a part of him is thinking that is only more reason he knows he needs to follow through.

He sighs dramatically, pulls his hand back around so he can uncrumple and re-read the note. Blinks until his eyes dry. ]

...I should never have started drinking in the first place. I always told myself I wouldn't, and then... [ another sigh ] Fine. Let me try eating, I suppose.

[ It's only the 'barely' there that keeps Kazu from reiterating that it is -- he kisses Val's forehead instead and eases back to grab the first plate for him. ]

You can tell me about it if you want. I'm just going to get myself a plate and you a ginger ale, okay?

[ He mumbles a little 'mm'kay' and tilts his head up to kiss Kazu's cheek before begrudgingly shuffling away so he can get up. How dare having to get things from other rooms actually involve moving, it's terribly inconvenient when he just wants to stay leant up against Kazu.

He props himself up against the headboard as Kazu goes and picks the plate from the nightstand; his stomach is still uneasy enough that up close the smell is both enticing and makes his nose scrunch a bit, so he'll wait for Kazu to actually get back with his own and that ginger ale before trying any. Just in case.

When Kazu does come back, he sighs again as he actually gets a forkful. It still isn't easy recalling these things, but... it only seems right to actually talk to Kazu about it, so, he's trying. ]

It was after I found mother dead that I really made a promise to myself that— [ inhale, sigh, he takes the bite of food and makes himself swallow ] that I would never touch alcohol. I saw what it did to Maksym. I didn't want to become... that.

[ He scoffs, shakes his head, ] I held out for two, maybe three years. A couple of months, once I was actually in a position to drink at all. You know those parties I used to sneak out to?

[ When Kazu returns he sets the ginger ale down on Val's nightstand beside the brownie, then walks around to his side of the bed so he can sit against the headboard too. Shoulder to shoulder as he listens. ]

I do.

[ He doesn't ask any questions, though, trusting that Val will get to whatever he could possibly ask. Just takes a forkful of his own dinner and braces himself for what might be a very unhappy story. ]

The first couple of times I went, I still didn’t touch the stuff. It was there, of course, and people would offer it to me, but I would say no. I didn’t want it. Some left it alone, some didn’t, but my answer didn’t change.

[ He tucks up close to Kazu, as much as he can without getting himself in a position that’s uncomfortable for eating. He doesn’t take another bite, yet; he’s pacing himself, at least. ]

And then— one night, Maksym caught me in the ‘wrong’ clothes. It wasn’t the first time, but— [ he shakes his head, that doesn’t matter really, does it, his reaction never changed ] he beat me, called me horrible things, the usual. I had bruises from him grabbing me. I covered one on my face with make-up. And I still snuck out to the next party, the same night.

[ He takes another smaller bite to give himself a moment to turn his words over. ]

I was— raw. Most of other kids were like me, you know, queer in some way the Union and their families didn’t like. They understood. But they coped the way they coped and… one of the older teens I liked, they convinced me to try just one drink. Something I’d never seen my father touch.

[ His brow is furrowed. He pauses, again, letting himself think and the words settle. ]

Edited (accidentally a word) 2022-07-20 03:14 (UTC)

[ Pacing himself is fine, both with dinner and the story. Kazu doesn't feel the need to nudge him to keep going with either, especially since the account of Maksym beating Val has him tensing up with silent rage.

No, he'll just. Let him go at his own pace.

Breathing out and rolling his shoulders to loosen them, Kazu shifts slightly -- he only needs one hand and would feel a bit better with his other arm around Val for this. ]

[ Val sags a little more into the arm as he wraps it around him, as much for Kazu as himself. But it does help to keep him grounded, especially with his emotions all still tangled strangely. He almost feels like he should be crying, and yet he’s not. Maybe he’s just too used to all the horrible things. ]

I was young, you know—thirteen, fourteen—and this cool older kid was paying attention to me, trying to help me. Because I do think they were trying to help, in the only way they knew how. We all wanted to claim some control back and…

[ Sigh. He eats another small bite. At least he’s managing to get it down, even if he’s still not sure it will stay there. ]

I tried it. One drink. Then two. I hadn't had a real growth spurt yet and never had a full stomach, so it didn’t take much to affect me, then, and I— I liked how it felt. How it made the bad things feel distant.

[ How naïve. He didn’t know better and yet at the same time he should have, it feels like. He saw what happened to his father. He just… told himself it was different and ended up addicted all the same. ]

I suppose the rest is history.

Edited (repetition bothered me) 2022-07-20 20:46 (UTC)

[ The notion that someone, anyone, should have known better at that age? It's ridiculously unfair. Kazu shakes his head a little, turning towards Val and pressing a kiss into his hair. ]

You were children, and none of you did anything wrong. I wouldn't even expect an adult to be able to accurately predict which decisions they might come to regret in a decade.

[ He nudges Val with his nose to try and get him to look up. ]

Don't be so harsh with your past self. The choices they made still got you here, so I can't complain about any of them.

You are such a sap, darling.

[ He sounds vaguely grumbly, but he's smiling despite himself and the fondness leaks out in spades. He sighs and tilts his head back against Kazu's shoulder to look up at him. ]

...they did what they had to do to make it out, yes. Some days that time feels so distant and then times like this, it's like I could reach out and touch it. I am not them and yet I am, and...

[ He shakes his head. Change is a complex, necessary constant, he knows this. You are always the same person you were and yet still one step further from that person than you've ever been before. ]

But I am glad I'm here.

[ Kazu doesn't argue it, and his smile when Val looks up at him makes it obvious he doesn't think that's a bad thing. ]

You're not them but they are still a part of you. Since I love every part, I'm going to have to ask you to be kinder to them. I am very protective.

[ Val gets another kiss, this one on the lips, soft and affectionate. ]

[ Val rolls his eyes, but it's so clearly exaggerated as to be non-serious and he can't help the smile that follows. He relaxes instinctively as he leans into the kiss, chasing just a little when he pulls away and letting out a sigh that finally sounds more content than generally tired or annoyed. ]

You are ridiculous. Who said you get to be so sweet, hm? [ everything about his tone says that he loves it, though; he settles comfortably, again ] Mm. You know, I don't think teenage you could have handled teenage me.

[ He's clearly teasing, even for all the unavoidable extra strain in him right now. There was the very real chance that telling that story would completely tank his mood again, but he's hovering about level. He even eats another bite. ]

Shh, let me have this.

[ It's a wonderful break from the grumpy jerk Val of the past few days, but Kazu's absolutely not going to say that. ]

You're probably right, though, one accidental erection and you might never have seen me again.

[ It's almost as nice for him to not be being a grumpy jerk, honestly. Though it's still a good call not pointing it out, just enjoy it whilst it lasts. He even laughs, now; warm and real. ]

Exactly. If you thought you were having confusing feelings when I was old enough to have my shit together, just imagine how much more confusing my first messy forays into gender experimentation and presentation would have been.

[ One confused, accidental erection and he'd never see him again indeed. It's a good thing, he thinks, that they met exactly when they did, but he still sounds stupidly charmed by the whole mental picture, somehow, as silly at it is. ]

I was also very... intense, blunter. Less charm. That took practice.

Potentially a terrible combination... I would have been just as cluelessly inappropriate trying to understand. If a less charming you had lashed out in offense, well. You can imagine how teenage me would have taken that, considering how poorly I do now. This is an improvement.

[ It's easy enough to roast himself, though, these days. Because he is improving, and is upset with himself so much less. Although... this reminds him of something. ]

Do you know someone called me a "very charming young man" while we were away? I questioned the placement of that bar but my first thought was actually "you need to meet my partner."

Mm, yes, that combination is rather a recipe for disaster, isn't it. I would not have held back. I'm glad I met the you that I did, I would hate to have missed out on all of the good you've brought me for such silly reasons.

[ It's his turn to be sappy, now. Having Kazu in his life really has done wonders; as much as it took him so long to try and learn to learn on him, if he hadn't had him now? He would never have accepted the need to try and get sober at all. ]

But darling, you think that without much provocation at all. [ tease, tease ] You can be very charming, love, in your way. When you find your words or at least your stride. But I suppose I have cultivated a very specific kind of charm.

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cw: references to child/domestic abuse, spousal murder, etc.

Re: cw: references to child/domestic abuse, spousal murder, etc.

cw: references to child/domestic abuse, spousal murder, and transphobia whoops

Re: cw: references to child/domestic abuse, spousal murder, and transphobia whoops

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