gen_derfluid | duplicity inbox

The first couple of times I went, I still didn’t touch the stuff. It was there, of course, and people would offer it to me, but I would say no. I didn’t want it. Some left it alone, some didn’t, but my answer didn’t change.

[ He tucks up close to Kazu, as much as he can without getting himself in a position that’s uncomfortable for eating. He doesn’t take another bite, yet; he’s pacing himself, at least. ]

And then— one night, Maksym caught me in the ‘wrong’ clothes. It wasn’t the first time, but— [ he shakes his head, that doesn’t matter really, does it, his reaction never changed ] he beat me, called me horrible things, the usual. I had bruises from him grabbing me. I covered one on my face with make-up. And I still snuck out to the next party, the same night.

[ He takes another smaller bite to give himself a moment to turn his words over. ]

I was— raw. Most of other kids were like me, you know, queer in some way the Union and their families didn’t like. They understood. But they coped the way they coped and… one of the older teens I liked, they convinced me to try just one drink. Something I’d never seen my father touch.

[ His brow is furrowed. He pauses, again, letting himself think and the words settle. ]

Edited (accidentally a word) 2022-07-20 03:14 (UTC)

[ Pacing himself is fine, both with dinner and the story. Kazu doesn't feel the need to nudge him to keep going with either, especially since the account of Maksym beating Val has him tensing up with silent rage.

No, he'll just. Let him go at his own pace.

Breathing out and rolling his shoulders to loosen them, Kazu shifts slightly -- he only needs one hand and would feel a bit better with his other arm around Val for this. ]

[ Val sags a little more into the arm as he wraps it around him, as much for Kazu as himself. But it does help to keep him grounded, especially with his emotions all still tangled strangely. He almost feels like he should be crying, and yet he’s not. Maybe he’s just too used to all the horrible things. ]

I was young, you know—thirteen, fourteen—and this cool older kid was paying attention to me, trying to help me. Because I do think they were trying to help, in the only way they knew how. We all wanted to claim some control back and…

[ Sigh. He eats another small bite. At least he’s managing to get it down, even if he’s still not sure it will stay there. ]

I tried it. One drink. Then two. I hadn't had a real growth spurt yet and never had a full stomach, so it didn’t take much to affect me, then, and I— I liked how it felt. How it made the bad things feel distant.

[ How naïve. He didn’t know better and yet at the same time he should have, it feels like. He saw what happened to his father. He just… told himself it was different and ended up addicted all the same. ]

I suppose the rest is history.

Edited (repetition bothered me) 2022-07-20 20:46 (UTC)

[ The notion that someone, anyone, should have known better at that age? It's ridiculously unfair. Kazu shakes his head a little, turning towards Val and pressing a kiss into his hair. ]

You were children, and none of you did anything wrong. I wouldn't even expect an adult to be able to accurately predict which decisions they might come to regret in a decade.

[ He nudges Val with his nose to try and get him to look up. ]

Don't be so harsh with your past self. The choices they made still got you here, so I can't complain about any of them.

You are such a sap, darling.

[ He sounds vaguely grumbly, but he's smiling despite himself and the fondness leaks out in spades. He sighs and tilts his head back against Kazu's shoulder to look up at him. ]

...they did what they had to do to make it out, yes. Some days that time feels so distant and then times like this, it's like I could reach out and touch it. I am not them and yet I am, and...

[ He shakes his head. Change is a complex, necessary constant, he knows this. You are always the same person you were and yet still one step further from that person than you've ever been before. ]

But I am glad I'm here.

[ Kazu doesn't argue it, and his smile when Val looks up at him makes it obvious he doesn't think that's a bad thing. ]

You're not them but they are still a part of you. Since I love every part, I'm going to have to ask you to be kinder to them. I am very protective.

[ Val gets another kiss, this one on the lips, soft and affectionate. ]

[ Val rolls his eyes, but it's so clearly exaggerated as to be non-serious and he can't help the smile that follows. He relaxes instinctively as he leans into the kiss, chasing just a little when he pulls away and letting out a sigh that finally sounds more content than generally tired or annoyed. ]

You are ridiculous. Who said you get to be so sweet, hm? [ everything about his tone says that he loves it, though; he settles comfortably, again ] Mm. You know, I don't think teenage you could have handled teenage me.

[ He's clearly teasing, even for all the unavoidable extra strain in him right now. There was the very real chance that telling that story would completely tank his mood again, but he's hovering about level. He even eats another bite. ]

Shh, let me have this.

[ It's a wonderful break from the grumpy jerk Val of the past few days, but Kazu's absolutely not going to say that. ]

You're probably right, though, one accidental erection and you might never have seen me again.

[ It's almost as nice for him to not be being a grumpy jerk, honestly. Though it's still a good call not pointing it out, just enjoy it whilst it lasts. He even laughs, now; warm and real. ]

Exactly. If you thought you were having confusing feelings when I was old enough to have my shit together, just imagine how much more confusing my first messy forays into gender experimentation and presentation would have been.

[ One confused, accidental erection and he'd never see him again indeed. It's a good thing, he thinks, that they met exactly when they did, but he still sounds stupidly charmed by the whole mental picture, somehow, as silly at it is. ]

I was also very... intense, blunter. Less charm. That took practice.

Potentially a terrible combination... I would have been just as cluelessly inappropriate trying to understand. If a less charming you had lashed out in offense, well. You can imagine how teenage me would have taken that, considering how poorly I do now. This is an improvement.

[ It's easy enough to roast himself, though, these days. Because he is improving, and is upset with himself so much less. Although... this reminds him of something. ]

Do you know someone called me a "very charming young man" while we were away? I questioned the placement of that bar but my first thought was actually "you need to meet my partner."

Mm, yes, that combination is rather a recipe for disaster, isn't it. I would not have held back. I'm glad I met the you that I did, I would hate to have missed out on all of the good you've brought me for such silly reasons.

[ It's his turn to be sappy, now. Having Kazu in his life really has done wonders; as much as it took him so long to try and learn to learn on him, if he hadn't had him now? He would never have accepted the need to try and get sober at all. ]

But darling, you think that without much provocation at all. [ tease, tease ] You can be very charming, love, in your way. When you find your words or at least your stride. But I suppose I have cultivated a very specific kind of charm.

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cw: references to child/domestic abuse, spousal murder, and transphobia whoops

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